Death's Apprentice founder Christa Ovenall shares what many Canadian families wish they knew sooner.
When a parent, grandparent or other loved one dies, there isn't a handbook telling you what to do. Those first stunned hours when grief and practical reality collide can be difficult to navigate, especially when you need to make huge decisions with no preparation or warning.
Taking quick action may be what some assume is the best path. You may want to call someone, make arrangements and get your next steps moving. However, licensed funeral director Christa Ovenall shares that instinct is one of the most common mistakes grieving families make.
"Take a breath," Ovenall, who's also an embalmer, end-of-life doula and founder of Death's Apprentice, says. "Just collect yourself, get your friends, get your people and just be for a moment.
"I've never, ever heard somebody say, 'I wish I hadn't taken my time.' Never," she adds of her years guiding Canadian families through the death of a parent.
Here are some of the most common mistakes families make in those first hours and days following a parent of loved one's death, and what to do instead.
The biggest mistakes you can make when a parent dies in Canada — and what to do instead
Mistake #1: Calling 911 when you don't need to
When a parent dies, the instinct for many families is to call 911 immediately. But who you call first depends entirely on the circumstances. For an expected death, you can call the doctor who was caring for your parent. For an unexpected death, call emergency services. If you're unsure about the circumstances, contact your local coroner's office.
For families whose parent died in a hospital, there is even less urgency. Hospitals have on-site morgues, so there's no need to rush. Taking even a little time before making any calls, to simply be present and begin to process what has just happened, is something families rarely regret.
Mistake #2: Not knowing where key documents are
The will is the single most important document to find after a parent dies. Not just for the estate, but because the executor named in it is the person with the legal right to make decisions about the funeral, the ceremony and what happens to the body.
"It's the executor who gets to make those decisions first," Ovenall explains, adding that without a will, those decisions fall to next of kin in a specific order that varies by province.
One important warning: Never store a will in a safe deposit box.
"You need a death certificate to get into the box, and if the will is in there, you need the will to get the death certificate," she cautions. "It becomes a loop."
Beyond the will, try to locate the deceased's social insurance number, health card, passport, driver's licence and any pre-arranged funeral plans as soon as possible. Device passwords matter too, since getting into a phone or tablet later can be far harder than families expect.
"I've seen people just tearing things apart trying to figure out where things are," Ovenall says. Ideally, she adds, these conversations happen before a death occurs.
"The reality is, it's often too late once you're asking," she says.
Mistake #3: Walking into the funeral home unprepared
Before any conversation about services or the ceremony, the funeral director must register the death first. The questions involved tend to catch families completely off guard.
Beyond the basics, you'll be asked for the deceased's longest-held job title and the industry they worked in, whether they were Indigenous, a veteran or a police officer (there may be funds available to help cover funeral costs), the full names and birthplaces of both parents, and even height and weight, so the funeral home knows how many staff to send.
"The worst time to meet a funeral director is when you have to meet a funeral director," Ovenall says. Arriving unprepared only makes it harder.
Mistake #4: Rushing into cremation without understanding what it means
Once the registration questions are out of the way, the bigger decisions begin. And this is where many families make choices they later regret. One of the most common is opting for direct cremation without really understanding what that means.
"Unless you specifically say 'I would like my person bathed and dressed,' that's not what happens," Ovenall says. "People find out later. 'Wasn't Dad in his suit?' No, because nobody said he should be."
What surprises many Canadians is that cremation is simply the legal act of dealing with the body. Everything else, including a viewing, a ceremony or having your loved one bathed and dressed, can still happen beforehand, just as it would with a burial.
"Everything that happens with a burial can happen with a cremation," Ovenall says. "People need to slow down and understand that." If you haven't thought it through, don't default to the fastest option.
Mistake #5: Giving things away before the estate is settled
Once the immediate arrangements are underway, it's easy to feel like things need to keep moving. But distributing belongings or making financial decisions before the estate has been reviewed is where things can get complicated and costly.
"If you sell a car that was actually a gift in a will, you've caused yourself a whole mess of problems," Ovenall says.
Until the will has been found and reviewed, nothing should be given away, sold or promised to anyone. Executors should keep family members in the loop but be clear that things need to be done properly. "Doing it properly takes a little bit of time."
The one thing that makes the death of a parent easier
If there is one key learning Ovenall hopes Canadian families take away, it's that the best time to prepare for the death of a parent is long before it happens. Write things down. Store documents somewhere accessible. Make sure at least one other person knows where everything is.
"If we just had a little more clear, transparent, simple conversation about death and dying, it would make it easier for everyone," she says.
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